Grieving a Spouse? This Will Change Everything

Losing a spouse is one of life’s most profound challenges. While I have never been married or experienced this loss myself, I’ve seen the impact firsthand through my father. My mom passed away nearly a decade ago, and since then, my dad has navigated his grief in his own way. Like many men of his generation, my dad was raised to believe that showing emotions or crying was a sign of weakness.

In my entire life, I have only seen my dad cry twice—once when my mom died. Watching him break down was heart-wrenching. My sisters and I lost our mother, and my dad lost his partner in life. The pain of such a loss is something we are never prepared for, neither as children nor as adults. We are often left alone to make sense of our emotions and navigate our grief.

This journey of grief is one my dad has had to undertake, and I imagine you are on a similar path after losing your spouse. My heart aches for you, and I pray that you find comfort and support from the Lord. Whatever emotions you are experiencing right now—whether it’s sadness, anger, or frustration—know that they are all valid. Each feeling is acknowledged by God.

Watching my dad process his grief has taught me valuable lessons. While he never sat me down to teach these lessons explicitly, I’ve absorbed them through observing him. I, too, carry my own grief, which I am still working through, but those lessons are for another time. Here are five lessons in grief after losing a spouse.

1. Grief Has No Set Timeline

One of the key lessons I’ve learned from my dad’s grief is that there is no fixed timeline for healing. Grief doesn’t start or end on specific dates. When a spouse passes away, it feels like losing a part of yourself. The Bible speaks of marriage as two becoming one flesh (Genesis 2:24), and when your spouse is gone, it’s like a part of that unified flesh has been torn away.

As believers, we take comfort in knowing that our spouses are with the Lord in Heaven, having placed their faith in Him. But that doesn’t diminish the void their absence leaves in our lives. We miss their laughter, their smile, their love. They were not just our partners but our best friends.

If you are grieving your spouse today, know that there is no timeline for healing. Don’t pressure yourself to move on or feel better by a certain time. Even decades after their passing, it’s natural to have moments of grief. You lost someone irreplaceable—never feel ashamed for missing them.

2. Some Days Will Be Better Than Others

In the aftermath of losing a spouse, there will be good days and bad days. One day you might feel perfectly fine—the sun is shining, you’re busy with work, and you’re meeting friends. But the next day, you might be overwhelmed by grief. This is normal.

This fluctuation in emotions doesn’t just happen in the immediate days following your spouse’s death; it can continue for years, perhaps even a lifetime. Even if you remarry, there will be days when you still mourn your first spouse, and that’s okay. Rest in the promises of God, who assures us that we will see our loved ones again in Heaven.

Until that day comes, lean on God for comfort. The Bible reminds us, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” (Psalm 147:3). Turn to Him and find lasting peace in His love.

3. Time Doesn’t Heal All Wounds

Grief isn’t something that fades with time. As children, we’re often told that time heals all wounds, but that’s not always true. Decades can pass since your spouse’s death, yet the pain can still feel fresh, and the grief remains in your heart.

This enduring grief is a reflection of the deep love you had for your spouse. The more profound the love, the more intense the grief. It’s understandable if you never fully heal from this loss in this lifetime. Our spouses play significant roles in our lives, and grieving them for as long as you need is nothing to be ashamed of.

There will come a time when all sorrow, pain, and death are eradicated (Revelation 21:4). Until then, hold onto God’s promises. He is always with us (Matthew 28:20b; Hebrews 13:5-6).

4. Memories Can Both Hurt and Heal

Through my dad, I’ve learned that memories of a lost spouse can be both painful and healing. My sisters and I often share stories about our mom—some make my dad smile, while others bring tears. If your spouse has recently passed, you’ll find that some memories will hurt while others will heal. Focus on the healing memories, as they can help you process your pain.

Painful memories are unavoidable, and one day you will need to face them. But for now, let the comforting memories guide you. When you’re ready to confront the more painful ones, lean on God for support. You might also consider seeking therapy with a Christian counselor who specializes in grief if you need additional help.

If therapy isn’t an option, talk to your loved ones about your spouse. They are there to listen and share in your memories. This can provide healing and help you build a support system during difficult days. Your loved ones truly care about you and want to help—reach out to them today.

5. Finding Hope in the Lord

Psalm 33:22 tells us, “May your unfailing love be with us, Lord, even as we put our hope in you.” The Lord is our source of hope, especially after losing a spouse. His love never fails, and we can continue to place our hope in Him. God is entirely worthy of our trust because He has proven Himself faithful (2 Thessalonians 3:3).

Hold onto the hope that the Lord provides. Better days will come, and you will see your spouse again in Heaven. Though marriage doesn’t exist in Heaven, the connection you shared will remain.

Allow yourself to grieve and to feel your emotions deeply. Don’t try to rush the process or push your feelings away. Grief has no set timeline, and it’s okay to take your time. The depth of your grief reflects the depth of your love for your spouse. They were a crucial part of your life, and it’s natural for their absence to affect you.

God meets us where we are, offering hope and comfort. Even on the toughest days, rest in the Lord. Present your worries to Him, and find peace in His love.